Saturday, September 04, 2010
News Anchor: Tonight, Angelica Fulsome gives us a tour of the Devil’s Home on Earth revealing His Evil intimate side. Angelica, what did you find most interesting in the Devil’s House:
Angelica: His collections. They are very large.
News Anchor: He must keep a large staff.
Angelica: Not even one. That’s why they’re interesting.
News Anchor: Alrighty then. Let's get this Dust Devil to market. And now, Part II of Interview With The Devil.
(Camera zooms to an empty lot in Lickskillet, Alabama.)
Angelica: Do you really live here?
The Devil Yes, well this is as good a front door as any. I live everywhere there is motion, something happening.
Angelica: Why Lickskillet?:
The Devil: Nothing happens here. I can relax. Isn’t that what home is for?
Angelica: I see.
The Devil: Do you? Really?
Angelica: You said you were divorced.
The Devil: 45 centuries last Christmas.
Angelica: Who lives with you?
The Devil: No one. I want to relax at home. Kick back and watch some ice hockey. Try not to mind the all-at-onceness of being eternal, at least, locally.
Angelica: Then you do your own cooking, laundry, and house cleaning?
The Devil: No, well, not really. My meals cook and deliver themselves. Reality is extreme take-out. My clothes were made by the creator who made me. They stay clean. My house cleans itself. Brownian motion. Nothing but me stays in one place long enough for dust to collect and even dust stays clear of me. I’m the Devil. I don’t occupy space. I’m nothing in time. Where everything is happening all at once, nothing is too. I never get involved. Time is my home court, not space. In Time, I win every game.
Angelica: You always win in time. Why?
The Devil: Gaps.
The Devil: (Twisting an invisible door wheel) Try to count silence silently.
Angelica: I can do that.
The Devil: Really? Definitely a six. Cameradude, stay put.
Cameraman freezes in place with camera running.
The Devil:Cameras don’t work in my house. Light doesn’t go there. (to cameraman) I’ll send you some footage close enough for cable. Ok? Ok. (to Angelica) Please, come inside.
Angelica: Where are the fires of Hell, the the…
The Devil: Dammed?
The Devil: I don’t live where I work, sweetie. Too much …emotion. Too… real. And that’s not what I do anyway. Monks made that up freezing in their little rooms barefoot and barebottomed wishing for fire and denying it to themselves to get closer to God. Fire? Too much work. I’m a lazy. Cold is my game. All that time their self-denial of even the basic requirements to stay healthy was bringing them closer to me. Ultimate take-out.
Angelica: How do you know who goes where?
The Devil: In Hell? I told you. Shoe sizes. Push a bit here a bit there it looks organized but it’s really quite random. It’s real torment to be five stuck among a crowd of 2s and 7s. But here, perfect order. 3s, 5s, 7s, 9s, 11s, 13s popping in and out like a swarm of black bees flying toward you. No 8s, 4s, or 6s, though. Don’t need ‘em.
Angelica: No ones?
The Devil: One is me. I’m the major one here or in hell. I’m the Devil. The real genius, I must say, is I don’t have to judge.
Angelica: Judge? You mean judge who are the worst sinners?
The Devil: No. I don’t care about sin. In a universe where a rock the size of Texas can obliterate you at any moment, that human beings worry about The Devil’s opinions of their indiscretions is one of the big jokes. When not playing golf, I watch your history on cable. It’s the best comedy ever. No, I mean I don’t actually pick who is tortured the worst.
Angelica: Who does?
The Devil: You do.
The Devil: It’s whoever wears the tightest shoes. You’re a six. You’re feet are a six and a half.
Angelica: Are you the enemy of life?
The Devil: Yes. Life fills the gaps. Then I’m the one in the tight shoes. Would you like to see my collections?
Angelica: I guess.
The Devil: Guess?
The Devil: A six. A six.
Angelica: Didn’t you say there are no sixes here?
The Devil: I did. Indeed, I did.
Angelica: Then how…
The Devil: To be with me you must be other than me. All of this is me.
Angelica: I see.
The Devil: Do you really? C’mon then. Let’s go see my soul collection. The first are the unprepareds. They created gaps by thinking about how they would be perceived instead of what they would need to perceive others.
Angelica: The handmaidens who did not remember to bring the oil for their lamps.
The Devil:You know the story.
Angelica: I heard it on the radio driving up here.
The Devil: (looks up with wry smile). Unfair…. the next are the smugs. They create gaps because smugness closes the ears. If you had not listened to the radio, you wouldn’t know the story. And no matter WHO told it (looks up), you wouldn’t hear it.
Angelica: But I did hear it.
The Devil: And you came with me anyway. And here are some of my favorites: fools for fortune.
Angelica: The greedy?
The Devil: Not all. Those who know a fortune is needed for a foolish desire in life and they spend their life getting both. Nothing creates gaps as large as the success of the undeserving. Are you cold?
Angelica: (pulls her sweater) No!
The Devil: Alrighty then. Here are those for whom I have the most dispassion: the Atheists. They are the most complex because they are the unprepared, smug who spend their lives defending the most indefensible of arguments: the negative. These I treasure because they defend me assiduously, give their lives, their emotions, their dreams and ambitions for others to my defense. . I on the other hand, look back uncaring, unwanting, unchanged. I am not moved, yet generation after generation, they send their children into the community of man to defend me.
Angelica: Do you need defending?
The Devil: No. I am impregnable by means of logic. Only gap filling acts can break down the walls of randomness. Something from something for something or nothing if that’s what you have. So for my collection, they are the greatest fools. (The Devil puts one of the collection in his mouth and strips it like a chicken leg.) Hmm… Kung pao. And you are cinnamon.
(Angelica looks at him wide eyed and trembling).
The Devil: Can you count silence silently yet? Breathe.
Angelica: inhales a sharp short breath
The Devil: Would you like to leave? You appear quite cold.
(fade to news room)
News Anchor: Quite a chilling piece. Angelica, did he say of his collections which he was working on these days?
Angelica: Shoe salesmen.
News Anchor: Alrighty th… (chokes… clears his throat). Chinese. Come back tomorrow night for the final installment of Angelica Fulsome’s Interview with The Devil.
Friday, September 03, 2010
News Anchor: Tonight we have an interview with one of the most elusive and powerful personalities on this planet or any other. Tonight, investigative reporter, Angelica Fullsome will provide the first of our three part series: Interview with The Devil, Angelica, what was your feeling about this interview?
Angelica: At first I was very frightened but when the Devil accepted the invitation and insisted that I join him at his favorite golf course in the Hamptons, I was intrigued by the idea of coming face to face with the most intelligent evil force in the universe.
Anchor: And did you come face to face with him?
Angelica: (blushing) Not face to face.
Anchor: I see, well alrighty then. So here is the first part of our three part series, Interview With the Devil.
Camera zooms in on a casually dressed clean but overweight fat balding man reclining in a lounge chair next to the pool overlooking the golf course.
Angelica: May I call you The Devil?
The Devil: Of course, but my friends call me, Henry.
The Devil: It’s a family name.
Angelica: Oh, there is a family? Is there a Mrs. Devil?
The Devil: Divorced. 45 centuries now, but we stay on evil terms for the sake of the kids.
Angelica: And how many children are there?
The Devil: How many sides does the coast line of Britain have?
The Devil: Right…. Went to Harvard didn’t you?
Angelica: Yes. Does it show?
The Devil: Not much.
Angelica: Do you have a mother?
The Devil: I’m not sure. I know I have a creator of sorts.
Angelica: A creator?
The Devil: Of course. Everything has a beginning. Even the Devil.
Angelica: Then let’s get right to it.
The Devil: Maybe later. Interview first.
Angelica: No one wants to go on the record about you? They seem to be afraid of you. Do you know why?
The Devil: D’oh. I’m the Devil.
Angelica: And people should be afraid of you, is that it?
The Devil: I suppose although if they got to know me, they’d fear me less.
The Devil: I’m really lazy. The other guy has the hard job looking after all of you, keeping you out of mischief you bring on yourselves mostly. It’s full time and over time up there.
Angelica: And down here?
The Devil: I play a lot of golf. All of my staff does. It keeps us in shape for things to come. I don’t like to mix with the people. Too emotional. Golf courses are demon’s home, their hell on earth, so to speak.
Angelica: Do you play any other sports?
The Devil: Not me, but some of the lesser demons are most of the National Hockey League in America and all of the New Jersey leagues. Did you think the New Jersey Devils were locals or just Canadians?
Angelica: I see. So if you don’t mix much, to what do you attribute your reputation?
The Devil: Gaps.
Angelica: Pardon me?
The Devil: Not likely. God leaves gaps. I’m the god of the gaps.
Angelica: Can you explain that?
The Devil: I can but you won’t understand it. You see, your one of those intelligent types. You’re all about being positive, being right. You’re positive God is Good, and I’m Evil In fact, God IS good.
Angelica: And you’re NOT evil?
The Devil: Of course I am. I’m the Devil. I’m just not there when you need me. That leaves gaps.
Angelica: Would you give me an example?
The Devil: Sure. Let’s take this golf game. I’m waiting for a famous basketball player. World renown athlete. Wins at everything except golf. I can beat him at golf. Heck, you can beat him. Why? Basketball players are too tall to play golf. They can’t swing without bending over so they have terrible form. Golf is a game of short people. Gaps.
Angelica: I don’t understand.
The Devil: Right... Ok, let’s say you live in Alaska. Fairbanks in summer has 20 hours of sunlight a day. Until you force yourself to do it, you stay awake. A lot. Alcohol sales in Alaska are six times what they are anywhere else. So Alaska makes you strong or it kills you. Gaps.
Angelica: So does that explain…
The Devil: Sarah?
The Devil: No. She is perfectly adjusted to the climate of Alaska. On the other hand, America can’t adjust to her. They can’t understand a woman like that. Gaps.
Angelica: Does anything trouble you?
The Devil: Shoe sizes.
Angelica: Shoe sizes? Why?
The Devil: They keep changing. Every year the manufacturers adjust the standards for shoe sizes. Bugs me to high Heaven. You see, to keep up with ingress, I have to have a place in Hell for everyone predestined, scheduled, mapped out, you know, like it or not., arriving COD, the Cold Ordinary Dammed. What's the use of standards if they keep changing?
Angelica: And you do that with shoe sizes?
The Devil: Sure. I’m a lazy devil. I don’t want to stuff people in so tight that they fall apart. That would get them out of hell before my folks have time to torment them to my satisfaction. So we allow just enough room for their feet. They can stand up but they can’t sit down. I use shoe sizes to make the calculation. When they keep changing, I have to keep adjusting and there is only so much Hell per capita. It’s irritating.
Angelica: So you keep up with everyone’s shoe size?
The Devil: You’re a six.
The Devil: Your shoe size. It’s a six. Right? Of course, and yeah, I’ve got a spot for you already on the map. Don’t get your knickers in a twist? You’ve got a few years and a few more hit pieces to write. Would you like a drink?
Angelica: Yes, can I have a martini?
The Devil: Sure. Anything but pomegranate.
Angelica: Why pomegranate?
The Devil: That’s a secret.
Angelica: Are you planning a run for the Presidency?
The Devil: Absolutely not.
Angelica: Why? You could do tremendous evil with that kind of power.
The Devil: You journalists are so naïve. A six. Definitely. Look, first, the last five Presidents have inflicted more torment than I could possibly inflict being as lazy as I am. Second, what makes you think the President is all THAT powerful? Look around you here. See those guys teeing up? They are all international bankers, hedge fund geniuses, oil executives and Ben and Jerry. Remember, I said we demons play a lot of golf. They have real power. The President, every Senator, every Congressman, heck every used car dealer has to come play golf with those guys to get the money and they have to do it every day. As a result, they never get anything else done. That provides a lot of torment for the dollar and all we have to do is play golf. Well, except for the car dealership owners. They sell the latest designs and we keep making more room for indeterminate shoe sizes. Automation is the real killer app.
Angelica: Toyota too?
The Devil: Toyota too. Our top designers.
Angelica: I see. Is there anyone beyond your reach?
The Devil: Gene Simmons.
Angelica: The rock star? He’s the image of evil.
The Devil: Exactly. The image but not the fact. He doesn’t drink or smoke or cheat in business deals. He likes beautiful women and his queen is a really smart one. Guys like that can’t be tempted. I assigned a full team to work him over every day and he turned it into a hit reality TV show and made even more money. Talk about beating the Devil. A few more like him and I’d have to give up golf and work at this.
Angelica: Who do you admire in the music business then?
The Devil: Bob Dylan
Angelica: The folk singer.
The Devil: Sure. He’s my Man. Can’t sing. Looks crazy. Writes stuff no one can understand. I mean, except for Lay Lady Lay, who has sex listening to Dylan? Lay Lady Lay was banned from the radio. So, no one. And… (in low tones) my chief disciple is his biggest fan.
Angelica: You mean?
The Devil: Shh! Don’t even say his name out loud. It confuses people who think it’s a Republican campaign strategy. Keep that on the down low.
Camera fades to anchor desk.
Anchor: So our worst fears are confirmed.
Angelica: If you believe him, I think so.
Anchor: And do you believe him?
Angelica: (looking disconsolate) He said he would call.
Anchor: Alrighty then. Come back tomorrow night when we air part two of our three part series, Interview With The Devil.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Ed Fishy, political analyst for the Washington-based Demon Examiner reports that the AROMA Party is in secret negotiations with multi-millionaire rock star, Gene Simmons to be the AROMA Party candidate for President. As yet unconfirmed, the Fishy Report stated:
"It makes sense. Simmons is a self-made man, megastar and multi-millionaire capable of financing his own campaign just as Meg Whitman has. Ever since Ronald Reagan proved that it was possible to run and win with an unqualified entertainer, campaigns such as that of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sony Bono have followed. Simmons would be the next Jewish Rock Star and family man to toss his wig into the ring."
While there have been no comments from either Simmons press representative or AROMA Party spokespersons, a former member of the K.I.S.S. road crew said the following on deep background:
It sounds like something Gene could do well. After all, this is a guy that doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, convinced a Playboy centerfold to live with him for all these years and raise two stellar children out of wedlock, yet wears a shining metal codpiece and kabuki makeup... and actually plays his own parts on the records. Gene's a real American success story. I can totally see it.
The Examiner will be following this Fishy tale as it is told.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
FBI Field Report 19-082910
SUBJECT: AROMA Party Party Surveillance
On August 29, 2010, Special Agent Dagne Horowitz received a tip that members of the AROMA Party were conducting an unscheduled meeting at the home of an unregistered party member. Arriving in separate cars (see Appendix for make, model, licenses), they entered the home of Daniel Moz in the early hours of the evening. During the evening, surveillance showed the party members were studiously comparing the unedited and unaired satellite feeds of the Glen Beck organized Return to Honor gathering on the National Mall in Washington DC to a showing of "Mars Attacks", a failed Tim Burton film.
During the evening, party member April Merryweather went to a local food market. She returned with a bag or pomegranates. The reason for this is as yet unknown. A background check of the market employees is underway at this time.