Thursday, August 12, 2010
The AROMA Party Founder Interview
Q: Is the AROMA Party a Big Tent Party?
A: No. We are insensitive to the weather, natural or political.
Q: Does the AROMA Party endorse special interest concerns, and if so, which ones?
A: No. We don’t find them interesting.
Q: All of them?
A: Any of them. Why discriminate?
Q: I don't understand.
A: Of course you don't. That's why they're special.
Q: But surely there are issues which concern you or why would the AROMA Party exist or be worth joining.
A: Of course there are issues that concern us. We simply aren’t sensitive about them or the special interests of others. We are insensitive but the issues that concern us are ‘sensible’. That’s another way of looking at the Aromatics: they are the ‘sensible’ voters. We only concern ourselves with issues that concern us.
Q: Why “Aromatic”?
A: Because Aromacrat or Aromacan aren’t real words. That’s insensible.
Q: So you believe that American politics today stink?
A: Don’t you? But not just American politics; politics and politicians should be subjected to the smell test. Have you ever been in a room full of them when they are debating issues like health care? Whew!
Q: I see your point. But doesn’t that mean you are sensitive to smell?
A: Not at all. Just offended. Buy Mennen.
Q: Ok. Turning to another topic: religion.
A: Turn away. There is no field on our membership form that asks about religion.
Q: So you are atheists.
A: Not at all. I’m a Devout Backslider personally. Our treasurer is a Hindu. Our campaign chairwoman is Baptist. We have Catholics, Sufis, Muslims, Buddhists, you name it. The difference is we don’t allow any of our members to be sensitive about that.
Q: Uh huh. Race?
A: Sure. Pick the course, but I’m not a good runner.
Q: No, I mean any policies about race politics?
A: None. There is no field on our membership that asks about racing. You can be for NASCAR as long as you aren’t sensitive about who wins the Daytona 500.
Q: No, I mean, race discrimination.
A: I think one of our local captains is a Rusty Wallace fan. We just ask him to be quiet about it.
Q: NO! DAMMIT! DO YOU DISCRIMINATE ACCORDING TO COLOR??
A: Not at all. But a green shirt on a green screen does make you look like a floating talking head. I guess that’s ok if that’s ok with you. It’s a bit creepy. Might scare the kids.
Q: What about gay marriage?
A: Everyone should be happy.
Q: So you are for same-sex marriage?
A: Isn't it always?
Q: Always what?
A: The same sex.
Q: (frown) No. What is you position on homosexuals being married?
A: In the center and slightly upwind.
Q: HA! So you are uncomfortable with gay marriage?
A: Oh No. No, I was the ring bearer.
Q: (sigh) Do you have opinions about undocumented migration?
Q: Would you care to elaborate?
A: Why? Do you need a hall pass? I know a guy…
Q: Aaggh!! What about anchor babies?
A: Be sure you have a smaller boat. I can get you some Sugar Babies.
Q: Errmmm… maybe later. Let’s talk about you.
A: Ok. That's sensible.
Q: You are the founder of the party, yes?
A: That is correct.
Q: What led you to found the AROMA Party?
A: Yes. You see I have friends who like Brewer and Palin but also friends who like Brewer and Shipley. I couldn’t have them at the same party without a fight breaking out unless of course, Shipley got there first and then everyone sort of nodded off. Quite boring really. Then I remembered something my first boss at CSC said about being tired of managing everyone’s ‘delicate sensitivities’. It hit me: that’s why nothing gets done in government. It isn’t corruption; they’re really practiced at that. It isn’t the different parties; they go to those all the time. It’s that everyone is so damm sensitive, they were always calling each other names like racist, fascist, or bigot, or ho’, or Pennsylvanian.
Q: So you decided to start a party without labels?
A: We have labels at our parties. We peel them off Bud bottles for fun and stick them on the bottom of bar tables. What we don’t have are people who are sensitive about being called names. We don’t get upset if someone snubs us because we don’t look like them or go to their church, temple, synagogue or mosque.
Q: Sounds sensible.
A: It really is and sociable too.
Q: So how can you be insensitive and sensible?
A: That should be obvious, but let me give you an example of insensitive and not sensible. Say you bring dirty dishes from the dining room in to where your wife is washing dishes. She says, "Dishwasher" and you hand the dirty dishes to her.
Q: That's insensitive.
A: And not sensible.
Q: So what would be the sensible move?
A: Leave them in the dining room.
Q: (groan) Will you be putting up candidates for election?
A: We certainly won’t be putting them down.
Q: Medical marijuana?
A: Yes, please.
Q: Aren't you concerned about the pot in the hands of kids?
A: I'm concerned they won't share.
Q: That's irresponsible.
A: No, that's insensitive.
Q: But is it sensible?
A: We don't want to steal it from them. That would be rude.
Q: (deep sigh). Well then, thank you. It was very stimulating.
A: If you insist.
Q: Can you validate my parking?
A: No. But there is a nice motel down the road.